My Cod religion is a great catch

So let's not carp on about it.

Last week I wrote about a possible new future religion – the Anglers, worshiping a fishy deity, Lord Cod Almighty. Of course, what I didn’t say, but I hope came through loud and clear in my article, is that I have already decided to embrace this new Angler religion myself, Hook, Line and Sinker.

Following last week’s article I had some comments from readers – one suggesting we should incorporate a role for Monkfish, and another suggesting it will never ‘catch’ on. One even told me they thought it was ‘very funny’.

I’m sorry to say this, but I fear it is a sad fact that people are not respecting my new faith – and that is simply not acceptable. However ridiculous they are, my beliefs are honestly held - which means they must therefore be respected by everyone. Without question. You cannot go round suggesting that my belief in a scaly deity is in any way worthy of mockery. Or are you seriously suggesting that the Holy Fishfinger does not actually become the body of Cod, especially when dipped in His Blood (the Holy Ketchup)? Seriously? No. Exactly. It is quite clear to me that the holding of these beliefs is self-evidently reasonable. They are certainly no more fanciful than dying for a weekend to absolve people of the sins committed by a mythological couple and a talking snake, or all the animals in the world walking – some for thousands of miles – to reach a boat in the Middle East.

I reserve the right to be deeply offended by this lack of respect, and am sorely tempted to paint up a few badly-spelled placards and wave them in the general direction of those doubters and naysayers. I may even print up some bumper stickers saying things like ‘My plaice is with Cod’ or ‘Don’t flounder, perch on my Rod.’ You know the sort of thing.

And what’s next? Are these people going to stop me indoctrinating children with my beliefs? Kids’ minds are like impressionable sponges, soaking up all they are told by adults. Scaring the kids, or as they are known in the Angler faith, ‘Little Sprats’, witless with my message of how unworthy they are of Cod’s love is the best way to ensure the propagation of my religion. I relish the opportunity to traumatise them with my stories of a vengeful Cod rising up in the evenings from the Holy Stream and dragging them down into the depths if they are not good and observant Anglers. Not only does it ensure that Little Sprats grow up to indoctrinate their own kids, but it also reinforces brilliantly the point that Cod loves them. Deeply.

Indeed, I have a good mind to press the Government to have my beliefs recognised as an official religion. Then I can impose my creed on everyone else.

Where would I start?

Firstly I would make it illegal to eat caviar. Life starts at conception, so every egg in the sturgeon’s roe is sacred to me. I cannot conceive that anyone would not understand this and accept that caviar would immediately be off limits. Any person - of whatever religion - caught eating the stuff, or even attempting to spread it on a little square of toast, would be guilty of a heinous crime and deserving of the full force of the law. What is more, to be caught in possession of a mother-of-pearl spoon will be considered absolute heresy. Such apostates will be punished by being hit on the head with a hammer and flung into a large net.

Next, I would enforce my strict dress code for women. Angling favours solitary men, who often use their religion as a way to get some peace and quiet – so my faith recognises this by requiring women to wear an appropriate outfit to demonstrate their acceptance that their men deserve unlimited ‘me’ time. They must therefore wear a full set of shapeless oilskins with white-soled yellow wellies whenever they are outside the house. Angling is a faith based on peace and love - and especially equality - so it is important that women understand this and know their plaice.

Finally, I would claim all the sacred riverbanks as my own. I read somewhere that Cod promised this land to Anglers from time immemorial – so I would make sure that all the existing canal-boaters, houseboat-dwellers and those living in riverside properties that have been illegally built on my promised land are evicted, to make way for my faithful Angler followers. Anglers have always deserved a home of their own, and this is my way to ensure that my fishy deity’s wishes are enacted in the real world. If those that are evicted claim not to believe in Cod, then that is their problem. I would simply remind them that Cod loves them, and if they don’t love him back, then He will rise up and drag them into the depths.

I would say to them “In the name of the Scale, the Fin and the Holy Gill, you are so hooked.”

Hook, Line and Sinker.

For more on Jonathan Posner - author, please go to Jonathan's website

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