All hail to Lord Cod Almighty

Or is there something fishy going on?

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about the expression ‘Oh My God!’ which asked the question – which of the thousands of gods does this actually refer to? In the article I also made the point that as atheists often use the expression, the reality is that it has become meaningless.

But is it actually the case? As a committed non-believer myself (not ‘atheist’ by the way – why should I have to define myself by my lack of belief in other peoples’ made-up concepts? I am just as much an a-mermaidist or a-unicornist) – as a committed non-believer, I feel deeply uncomfortable using that expression. If I find myself starting to say the words ‘Oh my…’ I stop.  Maybe I am overthinking this (it wouldn’t be the first time), but using a phrase that claims ownership of a god does not sit well with me. So I usually change it to ‘Oh my goodness!’ This has the benefit of conforming to my non-belief, but does also create the assumption that I have the ‘goodness’ referenced. And being British, my natural self-depreciation means this does not work too well for me either.

So I want to make a proposal – we should continue to use this phrase, but those of us who favour reason over faith should make one small change. Let’s turn the ‘G’ into a ‘C’ – and solve all these problems in one simple stroke.

I can hear the cries even now. “Oh My Cod!” people say, “it’s perfect! It allows non-believers to avoid being disingenuous, but it sounds almost exactly the same! So believers will think they heard ‘God’ when the non-believers know that’s not what they actually said. There is no downside!

So that box is ticked – I shall now invoke my fishy deity ‘Cod’ whenever I encounter something extraordinary, amazing, or maybe even just a little odd.

But it has got me thinking – how might this Cod concept develop? What if I have inadvertently started a whole new movement; a new set of beliefs? Just as Christianity sprang into life from a few bronze-age stories then rode the socio-political wave to replace Jupiter and co, perhaps from this humble beginning, my Cod idea could do something similar?

Maybe we could imagine how a gullible society of the future might have replaced the current religions and worship Cod instead? Not to mention all the associated pomp and ceremony that could go with their beliefs…

...wavy fade into...

...It’s 2,000 years in the future and the Chief Angler of England stands in his ceremonial gold waders and embroidered Floppy Hat in front of his loyal congregation. Behind him are draped the iconic Fishing Nets made of finest silver thread, and above him is the magnificent carved effigy of Lord Cod Almighty, suspended by the mouth from the Most Holy Rod. He holds up a small rectangular orange object. “Lord Cod, you who were fished from the waters in order to save our Soles, bless this Holy Fishfinger. For us it becomes your body, dipped in breadcrumbs and fried in oil. Accept our offering, as we add your blood – the Holy Ketchup – to show our commitment to you, our Leader. Hook, Line and Sinker.”

“Hook, Line and Sinker,” respond the congregation.

Each member of the congregation then steps forward and grabs one of the gold ceremonial hooks that hang above them from silk lines, and allows themselves to be pulled up to the front of the church, where a series of beautifully made disposable-style barbecues are standing, on each of which is a silver frying pan containing many fishfingers. As each member of the congregation comes forward, an assistant Angler in silver waders puts his forefinger into the corner of their mouth, tugs it briefly and says, “In the name of the Scale, the Fin and the Holy Gill, you are hooked.” They respond, “I am so hooked.” He then hands them a fishfinger and a small dish of ketchup, saying, “Eat this in honour of Lord Cod Almighty. Hook, Line and Sinker.”

“Hook, Line and Sinker,” they reply, then dip the fishfinger in the ketchup and eat it.

Once this is finished and the congregation have all been pulled back to their seats, the Chief Angler steps up onto the ceremonial Three-Legged Stool, and begins his address. “My fellow Anglers,” he begins, “I have to tell you that the Grillers, who would commit the basest heresy by grilling the Holy Fishfinger rather than Cod’s chosen way of frying it, are attacking our faith at every turn.” To groans from the congregation, he continues. “They have now issued an edict that the Holy Ketchup is not the true blood of Cod, but are saying that if you read the Scriptures correctly, Cod’s blood was white, and it should be mayonnaise used in that most sacred of ceremonies. My fellow Anglers, we must stand firm in our faith! We must resist this heresy, and not be swayed by such dangerous new thinking!” He pauses. “In the name of the Scale, the Fin and the Holy Gill. Hook, Line and Sinker.”

“Hook, Line and Sinker.”

For more on Jonathan Posner - author, please go to Jonathan's website

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