We at 5 Minute Break have never shied away from jumping on a passing bandwagon. So, in view of the current need to avoid offending anyone, and the trend towards revising classic literature to fit with today’s modern sensibilities, we have decided we need to appoint a Head of Sensitivities to review our articles and highlight any content that might cause offence.
We recognise it’s going to be quite a tough gig, as causing offence is written into the 5 Minute Break DNA like ‘Brighton’ through a stick of rock, but we definitely need to move with the times. So if you’re interested in joining the team, please read on for the full Job Description.
JOB DESCRIPTION
Role:
Head of Sensitivities
Organisation:
5 Minute Break
Background:
There are many things in today’s world that don’t seem to make any sense. Pedestrians who scatter others in the streets because they’re staring at their phones while walking, those who make their lips look like sink-plungers and people who still believe in bronze-age mythologies – all of these, and more, leave us feeling bemused, confused, and quite frankly, bewildered.
In response to this, 5 Minute Break was set up as a weekly blog – in the hope that by sharing our bewilderment, we might help fellow-sufferers get a glimmer of understanding into what the heck is going on. Or at least, have a laugh. Every Monday morning, we put out what we believe to be an amusing, challenging or downright offensive article, highlighting some particularly confusing element of modern life.
But as the song says, ‘the times they are a-changing’. Nowadays you are not allowed to cause offence to anyone. Even books like Roald Dahl, James Bond and Ladybird are being revised. Sod the historical context – it’s the offence (real or perceived) that counts.
So we’re jumping on the bandwagon, and setting ourselves the goal of making 5 Minute Break as inoffensive as possible – and to make this happen, we’re hiring a Head of Sensitivities.
Scope of the Role:
To read each week’s article prior to publication, and to remove any or all elements that might just possibly cause the teensiest bit of offence to someone, or anyone. Whether or not it actually does.
The ideal candidate
As Head of Sensitivities you will be supremely self-confident and totally woke. You will understand what might cause offence in others, be they men, women or somewhere in-between. You will be completely aligned with all the ‘-isms’ doing the rounds – and be able to spot inappropriate language at thirty paces. You will combine both empathy and condescension; there’s no minority – physical, mental or social – that you can’t identify with. And be deeply offended on their behalf. Your supreme self-confidence will enable you to justify your revisionism on the basis of the current sensibilities rather than historical context, although you are prepared to change your views in accordance with the latest trends on Twitter. You will also have a thick skin (please accept our sincerest apologies if you are thick-skinist) – and will therefore be flexible and understanding if some, or all, of your changes are completely ignored. As they will be. Every week.
Role and responsibilities
As the 5 Minute Break Head of Sensitivities you will be expected to keep on top of all the latest woke issues on all the social media platforms, and be able to assume any offence that could possibly be taken. You will also be expected to have a good knowledge of all the major world religions, and advise on which ones are least likely to take offence in response to any article we may write (or issue a fatwa).
Location:
Working from home is encouraged, mainly as we don’t actually have an office.
Benefits:
Flexible hours, allowing for time to review each week’s article, and time to attend a weekly zoom call discussion on why your changes won’t actually be actioned.
Unlimited teas, coffees and snacks (which you will provide for your own consumption in your own home. No expenses).
Bring your pet to work. If you have one.
Remuneration:
Are you kidding? This is an opportunity to showcase your creativity and build your profile.
Application process and timing:
Applications must be submitted by email before the cut-off date (31st December 2022). All first-round applicants will be required to demonstrate their suitability by submitting proposed revisions to an existing 5 Minute Break article (all are available here.) Candidates who are able to produce a revised version of any article that doesn’t cause any offence at all, yet still actually makes sense, will be prioritised for a second-round interview, ideally in a local pub. Mine’s a lager.
Social Responsibility:
5 Minute Break is an equal opportunities employer. We have to say that, apparently.
Thank you. Good luck to all applicants.
Editor’s note: If you share our opinions and think there’s a topic you’d like to see given the '5 Minute Break’ treatment, please let me know in the comments below. Or if you would like to guest-post an article of your own, please let me know by the same means. I promise to keep it away from the Head of Sensitivities!
When I’m not being Editor in Chief at 5 Minute Break, I write action adventure novels set in Tudor England. My first book is The Witchfinder’s Well, available on Amazon as an eBook, in print and as an audiobook.
Click the image below for more, or click these links for the audiobook: UK and US.