Traffic Jam at Checkout 3…
Guest Post from Fiona Bennett
By Fiona Bennett
Hands up who REALLY enjoys the weekly supermarket shop? No; I didn’t think so. Let’s break it down.
We are advised by those self-proclaimed budgeting gurus that appear on all media channels to make a menu plan for the week ahead and then, and ONLY then, should we write a shopping list. Can someone please tell me the secret to creating a meal plan on a Friday when you are knackered from a busy week and your brain feels like mush?
Of course, this meal plan must be healthy, meet all the intricacies of allergies and pickiness in the family, serve the kids at 4pm and not congeal into a sludge by the time Mum and Dad are ready to eat at 7.30pm. Meals that offer the variety of an all-inclusive buffet and contain the required 10 different plants, 6 colours and a perfect balance of protein, fibre, starch, (healthy) fat and veg? How the hell do I know what I’m going to fancy next Wednesday night (hump day in the week - and no, not that kind of hump.) All I know is that the tonic for my gin needs replenishing and the 6 o’clock wine stock is low…(note to self - add to list.)
Now, the list itself should (according to the gurus) be in the exact order that the products appear in the aisles so that as you do your usual circuit of the store you just have to scoop the desired item up and drop it in the trolley. In theory, the gurus are right on this one, but we all know that not everything that is ‘in theory’ actually works out in reality. You think you’ve got the layout of the store imprinted on your grey matter, but wait… have you made adjustments for the night-time movement of all your usual picks because of Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Easter, Father’s Day, BBQ season, Back to School weeks, Halloween, Bonfire Night and the mother of all item relocation confusion… Christmas? These can throw your planned list order before you even cross the threshold. My list might as well be written back to front for all the good it’s going to do me… although, maybe, back to front would work??
Hmm?
Assuming you’ve made it over the threshold and are doing your best to locate your ‘favourites’, everything is going ok until, for some reason (known only to the supermarket Gods) the chilled aisle – milk, cream, yoghurts (fat free of course) etc. is clogged up. But to be fair, this is ALWAYS the case. This aisle is also a) freezing (especially unflattering in the height of summer when one is only wearing a thin shirt), b) brings out the worst in the Ninja shopper that cuts you up when getting the yoghurt from the bottom shelf and c) is way too narrow. Guess what Mr. Supermarket Boss – everybody, but everybody, buys from this aisle. Make it wider!
A little more dodging and weaving; a plethora of “sorry”s, “excuse me”s, together with plenty of huffing and puffing – and we continue to complete this weekly chore. The last hurdle is, of course, the checkout. Whether you opt for the self-service checkout or the traditional cashier, here is where my biggest beef (containing only 5% fat, naturally) about trolley etiquette kicks in.
There you are, you’ve cashed in your loyalty points, paid (gulp!), taken your receipt, been given a token to place in the charity collection and exchanged pleasantries with the cashier (at time of writing, dressed in red and white striped everything with a round sponge on the end of their nose, all in the name of ‘Comic Relief.’ Call me old fashioned, but I always struggle to know what to talk about with a human candy cane that has a large, soft proboscis). Now it’s time to join the flow of trolleys and their drivers as they appear in a long line all heading for the exit. On a busy Friday night this can feel akin to manoeuvring from the slip road onto a congested M25.
You take a firm grip on your trolley handle and do some final adjustments to the pile of stuffed bags so you don’t experience the embarrassment of a grocery bag avalanche. This could result in a hold-up warranting a warning on any overhead stanchions or, worse still, a tannoy announcement. Still, the flow of trolley traffic keeps coming and you can almost feel the person behind you in the checkout queue breathing down your neck. So, it’s time to be brave and make your move.
You manage to catch the eye of a sweet looking fellow shopper heading your way from 2 checkouts to your right; they let you in. If you had a hazard light set-up on the trolley you would hit it so that you could thank the person now behind you. This is a nice feeling – almost out of here for another week. The trolley flow to the exit is moving nicely; a good, old fashioned, slow-moving British queue. But then a trolley comes at 45 degrees from my nearside blind spot, making everyone else on the human exit conveyor belt swerve and swear. An overtake ON THE INSIDE! Suddenly queue chaos ensues. Nobody knows where they should be, the on-flow from other checkouts keeps coming but has nowhere to go – and there is much confusion, tutting and shaking of heads.
There had been no warning “excuse-me” hand signals or flashing indicators… not good enough. It’s bad enough encountering a BMW driver at a roundabout on the normal highway, but on the supermarket trolley highway… please!
Now, which bag did I put the wine in?
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Jonathan is a publisher at Winter & Drew Publishing.
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