On hold: A musical nightmare
But don't worry - my call is important to them.
Is there anything more annoying than being on telephone hold for ages? Rhetorical question – of course there are – but as ever, go with me on this. It makes a good start to my rant about this balls-achingly awful experience.
I recently had cause to call my bank because the website refused me access, despite putting in the correct user name. After availing myself of the ‘forgot my user name’ function, and having it confirm that I was indeed correct – it still wouldn’t recognise me. I decided to go for the option of utter desperation, and actually call them.
First question: why does the music sound so awful? It sounds like a 1960s record playing on an antique gramophone, with enough fluff built up on the needle to knit a sweater. Under water. Surely in this technologically advanced age, when we can stream crystal-clear audio to phones, when we have access to millions of high-quality recordings, they can broadcast hold music of a decent quality? But no. Instead, we get what sounds like a bad MIDI version of a lift music compilation, played through a tin can attached to a piece of string.
But this pales into insignificance compared to the chirpy voice that comes on every minute, breezily informing me that they have a ‘higher than usual volume of calls’ (what is ‘usual’ exactly? None?), and that they are doing everything within their power to get everyone else off the line so they can talk to me.
This fails for a number of reasons. Firstly, it’s clearly bollocks. When you’ve heard this message for the thirtieth time, it becomes abundantly clear they are not doing anything, other than repeating this bland message ad nauseam. If they were genuinely ‘doing everything in their power’, I wouldn’t still be on hold forty-five minutes later listening to the same terrible music and the same meaningless platitudes.
Secondly, the message interrupts the music. And there’s that half-second pause before the voice starts its meaningless drivel yet again – a pause in which you think that maybe, just maybe, this is the pause before a real person, that holy grail of the hold-victim, actually comes on. Your heart leaps. This is it! Finally! But no. It’s just the bloody recorded voice again, telling you for the thirty-first time that your call is important to them.
If my call was actually important to them, they’d answer it.
Thirdly, the message is always delivered in that insufferably cheerful tone that suggests that being on hold is some sort of delightful experience we should be grateful for. ‘Thank you for your patience!’ the voice chirps, as if I have any say in the matter. I’m not being patient by choice – I’m being patient because you’ve made it impossible to resolve my issue any other way, and hanging up means I’ll have to start this entire ordeal again from scratch.
And fourthly – and this really gets my goat – the message often includes helpful suggestions like ‘Did you know you can access many of our services online?’ Yes, I bloody well did know that! That’s exactly what I tried to do before resorting to calling you! The reason I’m on this call is because your online services don’t work. So being told to use the online services while I’m on hold because the online services have failed is adding insult to injury.
After forty-five minutes of this torture – alternating between appalling music and patronising messages – I finally got through to a human being. A lovely woman, as it happens, who sorted my problem in about two minutes. Which begs the question: if it takes two minutes to fix, why did I have to spend forty-five minutes on hold first?
The answer, of course, is that they’ve deliberately understaffed their call centres because they want you to use the online services instead. They’ve made calling them so unpleasant and time-consuming that you’ll do anything to avoid it. It’s a calculated strategy to reduce costs by making customer service as painful as possible.
Well, mission accomplished. But here’s the thing: when your online services fail, as they inevitably will, we’re forced to call anyway. And then we’re punished for it with terrible music, endless hold times, and lying messages about how much they care.
My call may have been important to them, but clearly not important enough to actually answer it in a reasonable timeframe.
Or invest in decent hold music.
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Jonathan is a publisher at Winter & Drew Publishing.
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