I am currently working on a couple of new - and I hope most engaging / informative - new articles for this blog, and am not happy that either is yet quite up to the usual questionable standards that this blog aspires to.
So rather than go off half-cocked with either, I thought this week I would toss back in two posts from August 2022. If you haven’t already read them, I hope they will be amusing, and enjoy something fishy happening to the church in future. And if you did read them at the time, I hope you find them a welcome reminder of what can happen when you try to invent a new religion.
Back in June 2022 I wrote an article about the expression ‘Oh My God!’ which asked the question – which of the thousands of gods does this actually refer to? In the article I also made the point that as atheists often use the expression, the reality is that it has become meaningless.
But is it actually the case? As a committed non-believer myself (not ‘atheist’ by the way – why should I have to define myself by my lack of belief in other peoples’ made-up concepts? I am just as much an a-mermaidist or a-unicornist) – as a committed non-believer, I feel deeply uncomfortable using that expression. If I find myself starting to say the words ‘Oh my…’ I stop. Maybe I am overthinking this (it wouldn’t be the first time), but using a phrase that claims ownership of a god does not sit well with me. So I usually change it to ‘Oh my goodness!’ This has the benefit of conforming to my non-belief, but does also create the assumption that I have the ‘goodness’ referenced. And being British, my natural self-depreciation means this does not work too well for me either.
So I want to make a proposal – we should continue to use this phrase, but those of us who favour reason over faith should make one small change. Let’s turn the ‘G’ into a ‘C’ – and solve all these problems in one simple stroke.
I can hear the cries even now. “Oh My Cod!” people say, “it’s perfect! It allows non-believers to avoid being disingenuous, but it sounds almost exactly the same! So believers will think they heard ‘God’ when the non-believers know that’s not what they actually said. There is no downside!
So that box is ticked – I shall now invoke my fishy deity ‘Cod’ whenever I encounter something extraordinary, amazing, or maybe even just a little odd.
But it has got me thinking – how might this Cod concept develop? What if I have inadvertently started a whole new movement; a new set of beliefs? Just as Christianity sprang into life from a few bronze-age stories then rode the socio-political wave to replace Jupiter and co, perhaps from this humble beginning, my Cod idea could do something similar?
Maybe we could imagine how a gullible society of the future might have replaced the current religions and worship Cod instead? Not to mention all the associated pomp and ceremony that could go with their beliefs…
...wavy fade into...
...It’s 2,000 years in the future and the Chief Angler of England stands in his ceremonial gold waders and embroidered Floppy Hat in front of his loyal congregation. Behind him are draped the iconic Fishing Nets made of finest silver thread, and above him is the magnificent carved effigy of Lord Cod Almighty, suspended by the mouth from the Most Holy Rod. He holds up a small rectangular orange object. “Lord Cod, you who were fished from the waters in order to save our Soles, bless this Holy Fishfinger. For us it becomes your body, dipped in breadcrumbs and fried in oil. Accept our offering, as we add your blood – the Holy Ketchup – to show our commitment to you, our Leader. Hook, Line and Sinker.”
“Hook, Line and Sinker,” respond the congregation.
Each member of the congregation then steps forward and grabs one of the gold ceremonial hooks that hang above them from silk lines, and allows themselves to be pulled up to the front of the church, where a series of beautifully made disposable-style barbecues are standing, on each of which is a silver frying pan containing many fishfingers. As each member of the congregation comes forward, an assistant Angler in silver waders puts his forefinger into the corner of their mouth, tugs it briefly and says, “In the name of the Scale, the Fin and the Holy Gill, you are hooked.” They respond, “I am so hooked.” He then hands them a fishfinger and a small dish of ketchup, saying, “Eat this in honour of Lord Cod Almighty. Hook, Line and Sinker.”
“Hook, Line and Sinker,” they reply, then dip the fishfinger in the ketchup and eat it.
Once this is finished and the congregation have all been pulled back to their seats, the Chief Angler steps up onto the ceremonial Three-Legged Stool, and begins his address. “My fellow Anglers,” he begins, “I have to tell you that the Grillers, who would commit the basest heresy by grilling the Holy Fishfinger rather than Cod’s chosen way of frying it, are attacking our faith at every turn.” To groans from the congregation, he continues. “They have now issued an edict that the Holy Ketchup is not the true blood of Cod, but are saying that if you read the Scriptures correctly, Cod’s blood was white, and it should be mayonnaise used in that most sacred of ceremonies. My fellow Anglers, we must stand firm in our faith! We must resist this heresy, and not be swayed by such dangerous new thinking!” He pauses. “In the name of the Scale, the Fin and the Holy Gill. Hook, Line and Sinker.”
“Hook, Line and Sinker.”
I’m sorry to say this, but I fear it is a sad fact that people are not respecting my new faith – and that is simply not acceptable. However ridiculous they are, my beliefs are honestly held - which means they must therefore be respected by everyone. Without question. You cannot go round suggesting that my belief in a scaly deity is in any way worthy of mockery. Or are you seriously suggesting that the Holy Fishfinger does not actually become the body of Cod, especially when dipped in His Blood (the Holy Ketchup)? Seriously? No. Exactly. It is quite clear to me that the holding of these beliefs is self-evidently reasonable. They are certainly no more fanciful than dying for a weekend to absolve people of the sins committed by a mythological couple and a talking snake, or all the animals in the world walking – some for thousands of miles – to reach a boat in the Middle East.
I reserve the right to be deeply offended by this lack of respect, and am sorely tempted to paint up a few badly-spelled placards and wave them in the general direction of those doubters and naysayers. I may even print up some bumper stickers saying things like ‘My plaice is with Cod’ or ‘Don’t flounder, perch on my Rod.’ You know the sort of thing.
And what’s next? Are these people going to stop me indoctrinating children with my beliefs? Kids’ minds are like impressionable sponges, soaking up all they are told by adults. Scaring the kids, or as they are known in the Angler faith, ‘Little Sprats’, witless with my message of how unworthy they are of Cod’s love is the best way to ensure the propagation of my religion. I relish the opportunity to traumatise them with my stories of a vengeful Cod rising up in the evenings from the Holy Stream and dragging them down into the depths if they are not good and observant Anglers. Not only does it ensure that Little Sprats grow up to indoctrinate their own kids, but it also reinforces brilliantly the point that Cod loves them. Deeply.
Indeed, I have a good mind to press the Government to have my beliefs recognised as an official religion. Then I can impose my creed on everyone else.
Where would I start?
Firstly I would make it illegal to eat caviar. Life starts at conception, so every egg in the sturgeon’s roe is sacred to me. I cannot conceive that anyone would not understand this and accept that caviar would immediately be off limits. Any person - of whatever religion - caught eating the stuff, or even attempting to spread it on a little square of toast, would be guilty of a heinous crime and deserving of the full force of the law. What is more, to be caught in possession of a mother-of-pearl spoon will be considered absolute heresy. Such apostates will be punished by being hit on the head with a hammer and flung into a large net.
Next, I would enforce my strict dress code for women. Angling favours solitary men, who often use their religion as a way to get some peace and quiet – so my faith recognises this by requiring women to wear an appropriate outfit to demonstrate their acceptance that their men deserve unlimited ‘me’ time. They must therefore wear a full set of shapeless oilskins with white-soled yellow wellies whenever they are outside the house. Angling is a faith based on peace and love - and especially equality - so it is important that women understand this and know their plaice.
Finally, I would claim all the sacred riverbanks as my own. I read somewhere that Cod promised this land to Anglers from time immemorial – so I would make sure that all the existing canal-boaters, houseboat-dwellers and those living in riverside properties that have been illegally built on my promised land are evicted, to make way for my faithful Angler followers. Anglers have always deserved a home of their own, and this is my way to ensure that my fishy deity’s wishes are enacted in the real world. If those that are evicted claim not to believe in Cod, then that is their problem. I would simply remind them that Cod loves them, and if they don’t love him back, then He will rise up and drag them into the depths.
I would say to them “In the name of the Scale, the Fin and the Holy Gill, you are so hooked.”
Hook, Line and Sinker.
Please feel free to add some Cod Worship ideas of your own (use the comments section below). And if you have enjoyed this article, and others in 5 Minute Break, then please don’t keep it to yourself! Please share with your own contacts.
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